The Daily MashĪnother day, another centenary - and another 'Diva discovery'! A mouse for £99? AirPods? An Apple Pencil? Rumour has it the soulless megacorp will soon be selling clock radios for £1,499 but in fairness the battery life is excellent. You’re using your precious Apple whatever constantly, so give it a treat. Some may even be limited edition, which means nothing.

Is your life incomplete without a pair of knitted trainers or a DKNY parka? It’s definitely worth risking being infected with a deadly virus for these precious items. Think of wet cardboard as you choke it down.

Get yourself down there and buy a pork and cheese rhomboid or whatever. Straight-from-frozen bakery Greggs has taken on near-mythical status in British culture. Don’t overlook Sports Direct’s many questionable bargains: running kit to watch Sky Sports in, Lonsdale eau de toilette, and it is impossible to have too many miniature Manchester United footballs. Only a loser leaves the perma-sale favourite with one item. If you want to be an ostentatious Tony Montana-style high roller, get some secateurs as well. You probably won’t ever use them but indulge your wildest fantasies. Like these:Ī vague memory of planning to grow turnips in early lockdown sees you buy 12 plant pots. With shops open again, it’s time for a zombie-like stagger through them for stuff you don’t want that won’t make you happy. What unnecessary shite are you getting from the shops? Many happy returns, Nigel John Taylor (born 20th June 1960) Try to hold the rising floods that fill my skinĪnd you wanted to dance so I asked you to dance You don't have to dream it all, just live a day If you can, you'll see the world in all his fire “Watch it on the telly? Bollocks I will.” The Daily MashĪnd the lights are flashing on your window sillĪnd you know just what it takes and where to go “Instead I get to stay at home, sit in the sun in my own garden, urinate in my own clean porcelain toilet, pour myself cold drinks from my own fridge and not have to watch sunrise from anywhere, least of all the 'Healing Field'. The surprising art-house cabaret I’d have had to stumble upon. And Taylor Swift, even though by Sunday night all I’d really want to be doing is sitting in my car, imagining I’m in traffic, leaving. “Who was on this year? Kendrick Lamar, I’d have had to watch that. Surrounded by dickheads and caked in my own filth. He said: “If not for the pandemic, I’d be in a tent tomorrow night. Tom Booker of Manchester glanced at the calendar, realised he should have been setting off for the festival tomorrow and was staggered by the sheer joy of not having to. Have a faboo sparkling weekend, dear reader!Ī man with tickets for this year’s Glastonbury has been brought to his knees by an incredible, overwhelming wave of relief. Guess I'll just add up the score, and count the things I'm grateful for I was put on earth to be, a part of this great world is me Sometime when I feel afraid, I think of what a mess I've madeĬrying over my mistakes, forgetting all the breaks I've had Today, tomorrow, love will come and find meĪnd I don't give a damn for lost emotions Till I look around and see, this great big world is part of me Funny how a lonely day can make a person say:įunny how a breaking heart can make me start to say:įunny how I often seem to think I'll never find a dream

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